Monday, March 22, 2010

Just thinking

It is amazing what I have done already with myself with a bit of hard work and getting rid of my bad habits. I never would have thought that the state that I am in mentally and physically would ever be who I was. Living with obesity is hell on every aspect of someone's life. People who do not live with this disease, (yes, it is a disease) do nut understand what it is like to be me. For most of us, it is not a choice, it is an addiction. But unlike drugs or drinking, you can't live without food. Your brain tells you that you NEED it or you will go crazy. It is like, you want to love yourself and you know that you are slowly killing yourself, but you do it anyways. You see the looks from strangers, or the way your kids struggle to get their arms around you and you do it anyways. I remember the first time Domonik, when he was about 4, called me fat because he didn't understand what it ment. He heard me talking, and he just said it. It was like a knife through my heart. Then Damian just recently asked me, "Mommy, whats wrong with your belly". My kids will love me regardless, Dennis will love me regardless, but I have to love me so I can live. I will not do any good to my family in the ground. My life is just starting, I want to ride the rollar coasters again, I want to play sports again, I want to go by cloths and fit in them. I want that all, and I want it so bad that I am willing to work my butt off so hard that I can't stand it anymore. My life can only go up from here. There is no more downhill for me, and there is no more excuses from me. Food, for comfort, is not worth leaving my husband and children by themselves.

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