It has been a ride, that is for sure

I know I have not updated in such a long time. I am so sorry for that for those of you who are following me. We had a major move in our lives. We decided to go to Florida where the jobs were better then in Ohio. Emotional roller coaster for sure and it has taken a toll on me bettering myself. Although I have not lost any weight, I have not gained any neither, which is a plus in a way. I really should not throw excuses out there, because that is why I got this way. I am being very lazy at the moment and I see that and need to fix it. I had stopped my medicine for a week because I ran out and didn't know how to get them here. But then realized Wal-Mart had them on the $4 list, so got them transferred them to the Wal-Mart down the road, which helped a ton. So, I just need to get back on them and back in my system. Not a good idea to stop them, because I have headachs and mood swings that are crazy. But I am dealing with it and taking them everyday now. They just make me so tired, so I just need to get past that. Anyways.... The move has probably been the best move we ever did in our lives. I was scared and sad at first and still am a little sad about being away from my family and what I knew for 29 years. But I am getting use to my surroundings and I have learned to appreciate the new area that we are in and what I do have and not what I don't have. We have been going to the beach a lot, which has helped my self esteem. I figured that I shouldn't hide by not going to the beach because I am beautiful and I don't care what people think. If they don't like looking at me, then DO NOT look at me. I am there to have fun with my boys and Dennis and enjoy myself. And that I have done and I am happy about that. I need to continue my journey though and push myself to new goals. I need to make a better me and a stronger me. I really like where I am now when it comes to where I live and money situation, now I need to finish what I started a few months ago. Next goal, get under 300 lbs. I am now at 310, I can do it and I have everything right at my fingertips.

May 30, 2010

So, it has been a while. I am 310lbs. I have been working a lot at moving and getting things packed, but I am getting there. I went to my GYN and they were so happy for me, after all, they are what has saved my life. I can't talk much, becaus I have to get off and finish painting my bathroom, get a shower and go get my sister and get food started for Dens bday party.

GUESS WHAT.... May 16, 2010

I have now officially lost 40 lbs. This morning I weighed in at 315 lbs. I HAVE NEVER lost 40 lbs before in my life. I have been doing this about 3ish months and I can not believe it that I have lost 40 lbs. Yesterday I weighed in at 317, and this morning, to my suprise I was down to 315. I have been working very hard for this weight loss laightly. I have been working out every day and watching my food intake big time. I just do not believe how good I feel. It is like I am a different person.

May 10, 2010

I know it has been a while since I blogged about my weight. I have been super busy and I have just not have had much time. I have had some ups and downs, but I am slowly losing the weight. This morning I weighed in at 318, which is my all time low from 355.I have not been this weight since I was pregnant with Domonik alittle over 7 years ago. I have lost now a total of 37 lbs. Things have been really going well emotionally (besides today being a in a bad mood). I have seen a lot of changes on the outside and it has made me feel really good. I am well on my way to be able to ride rollarcoasters again and even getting on the airplane without being scared of not fitting in the seats the second week of June. I would like to get rid of another 20 lbs by then. I think I can do it. I was able to fit in a pair of jeans that I was not able to fit in for a few years. I was so happy and amazed. Last week exactly I tried them on and they would not zip, now they zip and are getting lose on me. what a difference a week makes. I have now been dieting for almost three months. Everything is easier on me. We went to the zoo yesterday with my two sisters and all the kids and I was able to do the zoo without having to sit down because I was tired. My feet hurt a bit, but you know, that is much better then walking through the zoo and scouting for a bench to sit down every few minutes. I figured if I can walk 4 miles at a time on the treadmill without stop, I should be able to go to the zoo and enjoy it with my kids and FOR my kids. I actually got to enjoy something with my boys without being overly tired.... I just did not think about that until just now. I know I have a long ways to go, but I have also came along way so far. This is what you can do when you actually want something so bad that you just can not stop until it is done. When it has came to my weight, this is the first time I have felt this way or wanted it this way. For anyone struggling out there, you can do this. If I can, you most certainly can. Just put in your 100% and don't be scared to go off path every now and again because it will only make you go mad if you don't. And remember, if all you can walk is one block or a half mile on the treadmill, it is better then none at all!!!

April 29, 2010

So, I am now down to 324. That makes a total of 31 lbs lost. That four miles I walked two days ago really helped me a ton. Want to try to walk about that much today. We will see.

April 23, 2010

All that walking is paying off. I am one lb away from a 30 lb loss. My mom's birthday was yesterday and I had to eat cake and pizza. But today I had a salad, and not much else. I haven't walked in two days, but tomorrow I am going to make up for it and walk a ton on the treadmill when I wake up. I am going to have too, because I don't want to get stiff. I am feeling so good about myself right now, but I am struggling with being so tired all the time. I can't sleep at night again and will take naps during the day. Today I napped from 5-9, which is probably why I can't sleep tonight. I have to do something to get to sleep. My counselor gave me a suggestion to ask the doctor to prescribe. It use to be for an antidepressant, but they stopped giving it for that, and started to give it to those who can not sleep that also take something like xanax and Prozac and it wont mess with it, so I am going to make an appointment and go in and ask about it. Maybe it will help. I know my bad sleeping habits wont help my goal to weight loss and it will catch up to me at some point.

April 20, 2010

I have done nothing but walk walk walk the past three days. I did three miles today and my legs are just screaming at me. But it feels good to do something instead of sit around all day. I think I over did it a bit because I have a little headach. But no pain, no gain right? I think my pinky toe is going to jump off my foot and run from me. lol I hope to see some lb loss tomorrow.

Update April 18, 2010

I have not updated in a while. Life has been happening so I have not had a chance. My weight is now down to 327 lbs. It was a lot of work to get here, and the benefits are wonderful so far. I know I have a long ways to go, but I have lost a lot in some pretty major parts of my body. My rear is not as big and my hips are melting away. I am starting to feel so good about myself and it has made my outlook on life and chage a lot different then it was before. If I can do this with my weight, then I can do anything when it comes change.

A big move may be in store for us with in the next few months. In June, Den and I are going to go to Florida and check things out down there. We are considering a big move because we just can not make it here and maybe it will help with me as well. Life just is not getting us any place now. Money is not here and money is what we need to support our family. I think losing weight and loving myself made me realize that I don't need to be as close to my family to survive like I once thought. My heart is into this move, because Den really deserves this and so do my kids. We have to do what we have to do no matter how many people don't understand it. Not everyone has too, and I understand that not everyone is going to like it for the fact that they will miss the boys and Den and I, but we have to do what we have to do for our family. That is all there is to it. And if it does not work out, then we can always come back, but this feels right to me, where as before it did not. I held Dennis back from getting to do what he needed to do and find a better job for years because I needed or I thought I needed to be glued to my family. I don't need that, I am an adult and I can make it without them. Now that does not mean I do not love them and will not miss them, because will terribly, but I need to give Den a chance to support us the way he should be able to. Okay, going to make dinner. I walked 1.4 miles today on the treadmill and hope to walk another 1.4 miles before bed and then Den and I are going to walk while the kids are at school tomorrow.

April 6, 2010

FINALLY, I am past that 332 wall. I am now 329 and I am very excited and glad that it is past me. I am on my way to bed because I have the flu. So goodnight.

April 4, 2010

What a struggle Easter has been for me. There is all this candy around that I have been known to binge on. I have broke down and had a few pieces and feel so guilty for doing it. I also had a big salty dinner of ham, mashed potato's, sweet potato's and a roll with butter. Then had a snack of a ham sandwich. I feel awful because I don't want to resort back to old ways, but I am with my family and that is what our family does, eat. I finally bypassed my 332 this morning and got down to 330, but I think I gained it back today and that is totally frustrating, but I slacked today. Dennis did not. He ate a bit of ham and mashed potato's and green bean casserole, but he was hungry still after he ate and refused to eat anything else until we got home at 10 and had a salad. I need to stop doing what I did today, because I feel awful. Ham has tons of salt and there is ton of sodium in diet coke and I drank a lot of those today and I am probably going to retain a lot of water and I am sure my blood pressure is up. Why did I do this? Is it alright to do once in a while or is it like a recovering drug user just doing it every once in a while. I know that is not okay for them to do it, how can it be okay for me to do it. Ugh. I am struggling.

April 2, 2010

Still at that 332. That number is driving me mad. I am going to go back to work with Den, use the car and get my neice and drop the car off and walk home. I would like to walk there, but I got up too late and don't have time.

April 1, 2010

The past few days I have hit a wall. Two days ago I walked to Den's work and home, which was a good accomplishment for me. It made me sore, and I didn't realize how much walking outside on the sidewalk was so much harder then walking the treadmill. But I actually liked walking outside better. I would be doing it today, because it is such a nice day, but Damian is home and I am not taking him on a 3.4 mile walk lol. They are going to my sisters house tonight and tomorrow night, so I think that tonight Den and I may walk. I also started physical therapy for my back and knees. Yesterday was my first day, and I woke up with awful cramps in my legs. I feel like I pulled something, but it is most likley muscles that were never used before. My weight the other day was 332, and then I gained 3 lbs back, but am wondering if it could be muscle that I am gaining. I have not changed my diet, so I don't know where those three lbs came from, but this morning I am back to 332, thank goodness. I just want to get out of these 330's because it will be a big mile stone for me. I know I am going to hit this wall every now and again, and I am ready for that to happen, but it still makes me crazy lol. I will be walking three days a week to my physical therapy, which is 1.3 miles there and then walking back, so that will give me major exercize. I just need to get these cramps out of my legs.

March 29, 2010

The weekend was long and hard. It seems that way every weekend, just so much to do and I can't get me time in. I did just finish two miles today, and I want to do two more miles tonight after dinner. I am struggling with keeping going, and I need a bit more motivation and I also need some more support if anyone can throw it out my way.

March 27, 2010

I am down to 332 lbs. That long walk must have done more for me then what I know lol. I am so happy right now. 332, pretty soon the wii fit will be able to hold me and register my weight so I can play the fun games to help me lose the weight in a fun way lol.

March 26, 2010

I just finished 3 miles. I did 1.6 earlier this afternoon and just finished it out. I feel sick though. I lost that pound yesterday, but I think I need to bump up my routine a bit. After dinner, I may walk a bit more.....

EDIT.... Correction lol. I did 4.2. Okay, so math is not my strong point lmao. I did 1.6 earlier and then 2.6 just now which makes it 4.2. I was only planning on doing 3 miles total.

The two mile walk

I did a two mile walk today. It seemed to be a down day and I don't know why. Very hormonal, even though I have been taking my Prozac and xanax. I should have taken two xanax today, but I dealt with it. I just was not in a mood that anyone would have been able to stand. I hope tomorrow is a better day. It is 1 am and I should go to bed. I have a counseling appointment tomorrow that I really am looking forward to, because I missed the last on by accident. I also hit a wall. I am stuck at 335, I just hope I get a drop soon. I have been working my butt off for three days now, adding a new exercise into the mix for my belly. So even if it is not showing on the scale, I know it is helping me physically. I did realize that when I walked my first mile I did it at 1.6 mph, I am now doing it at 2.3 miles per hour and last night my last .1 mile I did it at 3.2mph. It is getting easier.

March 24, 2010

I just finished a mile about an hour ago. I am going to do a few crunches before bed, because I did them yesterday and OMG I feel it in my belly, which is a good thing. It is painful, but it is good for me. No pain, no gain lol right? I think I need to go to a chiropractor for my back, because it is just so tight. It does not really hurt, just tight. Tomorrow morning I am going to drink an energy drink and walk walk walk.

Just thinking

It is amazing what I have done already with myself with a bit of hard work and getting rid of my bad habits. I never would have thought that the state that I am in mentally and physically would ever be who I was. Living with obesity is hell on every aspect of someone's life. People who do not live with this disease, (yes, it is a disease) do nut understand what it is like to be me. For most of us, it is not a choice, it is an addiction. But unlike drugs or drinking, you can't live without food. Your brain tells you that you NEED it or you will go crazy. It is like, you want to love yourself and you know that you are slowly killing yourself, but you do it anyways. You see the looks from strangers, or the way your kids struggle to get their arms around you and you do it anyways. I remember the first time Domonik, when he was about 4, called me fat because he didn't understand what it ment. He heard me talking, and he just said it. It was like a knife through my heart. Then Damian just recently asked me, "Mommy, whats wrong with your belly". My kids will love me regardless, Dennis will love me regardless, but I have to love me so I can live. I will not do any good to my family in the ground. My life is just starting, I want to ride the rollar coasters again, I want to play sports again, I want to go by cloths and fit in them. I want that all, and I want it so bad that I am willing to work my butt off so hard that I can't stand it anymore. My life can only go up from here. There is no more downhill for me, and there is no more excuses from me. Food, for comfort, is not worth leaving my husband and children by themselves.

March 22, 2010

It is 1 pm and I have already did a 2.3 mile walk, crunches and girlie push-ups. I was so tired this morning and not motivated at all, but I had to do it. This weekend was a blah weekend, even though I have lost some weight. Yesterday was a picnic at my mom and dad's house for my neices birthday and I had a burger, potato salad and pasta salad with baked beans. So I need to work that off so I don't gain it back. I want to do two more miles today.

March 21, 2010

Well, I am down to 335. I can not believe it. I woke up this AM and weighed myself. I have now lost 20 lbs. My hips seems as though they have slimmed. I put a pair of pants on that I have had a few years and, last summer they were tight, and I put them on today and they are not as tight, I am so happy!!!!!

Almond Milk

I was very hesitant about getting this milk because I am very weird about my milk. Whole milk is what I buy for the kids because they need the extra fat in their diets. So since I started my diet, I don't use the whole milk because of the amount of calories in one cup of it. I saw a commercial for almond milk and I got it and it is WONDERFUL. It has a nice taste to it, not like almonds per say, but a milky creamy taste that you would expect from a whole milk from a cow. Almond milk has about 65 calories for 8 oz compared to whole milk 150ish for 8 oz. I use it for my smoothies, cereal, instant breakfast, just a drink with a cereal bar for a snack. It is a great product.

March 19, 2010..I did it

I finally got past the 340's. Getting past the 350's went by fast. I started at 355 (well it was354.8 so I say 355). I am 338, and I am HAPPY because I will never see that 340 again. GOOD BYE!!!! lol I am going to do my two miles today, and push myself alittle harder because I didn't work out yesterday.

March 18, 2009

I know it says the 19th, but it is after midnight and I didnt get a chance to post before then.

I woke up still at my 340lbs. I just can not get past that 340 mark, even after walking two miles yesterday. I did not get a chance to exercize today, but I did eat good today. I hope the not working out does not cause me to gain anything, but atleast I ate good still. Tomorrow is a new day and a day that I have more time to spare.

March 17, 2010

Today was a good day. I walked 1.12 miles on the treadmill with the speed bumped up a bit. It felt good today, and my legs are now starting to get use to the walk. My weight is down to 340, which is better than the 355 that I started out as a few weeks ago. This walking stuff is getting to be second nature to me, and I want to start the new obsession of exercize than the old obsession of eating food that I should not have been eating. I want to try to walk again tonight before bed and maybe take a walk outside tomorrow in the nice cool air. Today I wore a sweatshirt over my t-shirt and a towel wrapped around my neck. I have not lost any weight for a few days, but I still walked becuase it was good for me and I need to keep going. So I kept going until my mile was up and a bit more. It is less than a struggle like it was a few weeks ago, but the sweat and burning of the legs felt good.

Where it all started.

I was born in Steubenville, Ohio on December 3, 1980. My childhood was good, but there were a few struggles that I will not get into, but I believe caused me to be who I am today. That means the good and the bad of me. As a small child, I was not overweight. I started to became overweight at the age of 12. That is when it all started. Being overweight was always a struggle growing up because many children my age were not nice. I was picked on because I was different and no one really cared. That began my obsession of eating. My family is overweight. My father's side has weight issues along with diabetes and high blood pressure. By the time I finished high school, I was over 200 lbs. As time went by, I gained more and more until I hit my highest weight of 354 pounds. That was about a month ago or so.

Food became a drug for me. It was my best friend because it was always there for me. When I was happy, sad, mad.... whatever, I ate and ate and ate. It made me happy when no one else or nothing else could.

On January 26, 2006, I was scheduled to have gastric bypass. I was probably 50 lbs smaller than I am now. A week and a half before my surgery, I found out I was pregnant. I had a beautiful son on September 8, 2006. He is my second son, but the reason why I mention him and not Domonik first is because I believe Damian saved my life from this surgery. Looking back, I really believe that I am alive now because of my son.

As time went by, I gained about 50 more pounds or so. My weight caused medical issues, of course, and I had to have about 5 surgeries and finally ended in a hysterectomy. I am a diabetic, my blood pressure is high and my knee is jacked up with arthritis. I am sure that there are other issues I have. But now it is time to stop all of this. I am killing myself and I do not want to cut my life short because I want to eat until I can't stand to move. I realized, with help from others, that I am important and I need to live for myself and my family.

I have goals for myself. These goals seem impossible to reach, but I can reach them with the right support and love from those around me. That is if you all can stand my nasty spelling lol, I think you guys can be part of this journey that I have began a month ago. It is going to get hard, and I am going to want to quit. But one thing that I noticed out of my life lol is I like it when people push me and encourage me with wonderful words. I obsess with seeing if I can make sure I get responses from my post to make sure that what I am writing about means something to someone. I also want to encourage others to think about what I am doing and not take for granted their good health because it is something that I threw away and want to get back for the first time in my life. I will be posting my weight and my goals and what I did for the day. If anyone has any suggestions on what I should try, please, let me know. Being healthy is new to me and I may not be getting it right. Hope to see you all reading, and thank you for the kind words I have got already.